You, Me, Hell, Now
by Miss Ordered
Summary: Chapter 1: "My First Aneurysm". It started with a purple dinosaur and ended in tears. One-sided Damon/Zoe, or if you're really in a bad mood, Gary/flotation device. Semi-crack. M for later chapters.


**Title: **You, Me, Hell, Now

**Chapter 1: **"My First Aneurysm"

**Current Summary: **It started with a purple dinosaur and ended in tears. One-sided Damon/Zoe, or if you're really in a bad mood, Gary/flotation device. Semi-crack.

Monday morning football always sucked ass.

Of course, there was no such thing as a weekend at Bullworth Academy, but there was always something about Monday that made life seem more pointless than it usually was.

If that weren't bad enough, light drizzle polished the field. A large, obnoxious, grey cloud hung over everyone's heads, leaving only an imprint of the sun for all the poor bastards forced outside. The students running along the tracks slugged along half-heartedly, careful about stepping over mucky spots. The new coach didn't even bother showing up today.

Damon was planted on one of the dewy benches, looking through the gaps he made with his fingers. Was this even a practice? Ted was out-of-state, getting his tonsils removed. No coach. No quarterback. No nerds to torment. Just a bunch of grumpy, bored football players. He slumped over, irritated.

_Did anything EVER happen in this place?_

The fallen linebacker ran his hands over his face, hoping the sky would turn blue when he opened his eyes.

When he did, he saw something _much _better: Zoe Taylor.

* * *

A normal person may have seen a football field, but not Gary. Definitely not Gary.

It had taken a long, detailed letter, a legally binding contract, and an agreement to provide a can of Beam Cola for the rest of his high school career for Petey to convince Jimmy to let a certain sociopath back into their circle. That, on top of nagging his ears off and even fake crying. (He remembered that day well. He exchanged a part of his soul for Christy Martin to poke him in the eye with her mascara. He still hasn't recovered.) Jimmy wasn't very pleased at first, but after a series of events involving a rival school, Derby's Harrington's estranged father, and a crank call to the Vatican, the two became pretty good friends. Plus, the call to the Vatican won Petey a lifetime supply of bibles, although he wasn't too thrilled about the delivery guy dumping it on his front lawn.

Anyway...

What Gary saw was much more grand: a large amount of land. Rain. More accurately, the perfect conditions for some "harmless fun".

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Petey twiddled his fingers.

"If it doesn't, it's still going to be funny." Gary smacked his palms together, anticipation pooling in his blue eyes. "This is going to be _great_."

Jimmy turned to Zoe. "I still down know how you got a tarp big enough to cover the entire field."

"The Spencers can afford another one," replied Zoe. "You got the inflatable slide set up?"

"Russell's pumping it up right now," affirmed Jimmy. He chuckled. "For a moment, I thought this wasn't going to work."

Zoe adjusted the straps on her swimsuit. "If the sun came out, we would've been screwed."

"We could've just stolen some hoses from the janitor's closet," continued Jimmy. At his side, perched against one of his stocky calves, was a large, obnoxious-looking gun.

"This is way bettter," said Zoe. "They're totally not going to expect it."

"Still, it's kind of suspicious that we've been standing around the football field for hours in our swimsuits." Petey looked pretty uncomfortable standing in only a pair of squishy flip flops and a pair of swim trunks.

"No one's going to catch us," reassured Jimmy. "Relax."

Petey gestured towards Jimmy, making a special point to highlight what the delinquent was wearing. "You're wearing a tiny, blue speedo! How in the world do they NOT notice this?"

"I guess everyone's just used to it by now," said Zoe. She had a cheesy orange pistol tucked into her swim shorts. "This is the same guy who runs around campus in a ninja suit."

"Yeah, just take it easy, Femme." A warm burst of air caressed the back of his neck, making the smaller boy jolt. He turned, only to stare into a pair of familiar blue eyes.

"Don't do that!" cried Petey.

"Do what? I was only trying to tell you that I got you a little present. Now be a good boy and lift up your arms!"

Petey drew back. "What? No!"

"Don't be such a little girl!" crowed Gary. "Put it on." In the sociopath's arms was a gigantic brontosaurus floaty with an eerie smile and an autistic stare. The Head Boy could feel its soulless black eyes peering into his weak, little soul. He wouldn't be surprised if he woke up one night and found it standing on his ceiling, smiling at him. Well, at least he knew whom to blame if they found him dead in the morning, a terrified look on his face.

"Where did you get that from?" Petey stared at the purple, spotted abomination, horrified.

Gary's head drooped like a dying flower. "I don't want to talk about it... Anyway, here!"

He rammed it over Petey's head at full force. It slid against his skin with an obnoxious scratching noise. After Gary managed to wrestle the thing onto a futilely struggling Petey, the poor boy couldn't put his arms down.

"Why do I need this?" cried Petey. "I can swim!"

"Because you're the only one who can fit in it, Petey-boy," snapped Gary. Again, he also had one of those brightly colored guns. "Be glad that it's a dinosaur...this time."

Petey whined. His arms were starting to hurt. "Why a dinosaur?"

Gary's eyes were manic, and for a moment, Petey had suspicions about exactly how much medicine he was actually taking. "Because this plan needs a dinosaur! So quit your crying and just wait for the fun, you girl! Just try not to give birth or anything like that..."

As he walked away, Petey noticed devious smiles on Jimmy and Zoe's faces. There was _definitely _something that they weren't telling him. If he knew any better, he would've followed what his gut told him and ran off the field the first chance he had. It's not like their plans ever put him in danger, right? Well, there was that one time Italian authorities came to his dorm room over the whole prank call to the Vatican thing. That, plus the fact that the Pope now lives in fear of him, and he's banned from Italy forever.

_I hate you, Gary._

Petey slumped against the purple neck of the dinosaur floaty. Why was he always doing the lame work? He had been Jimmy's best friend since coming to Bullworth, and even then, they still made him do degrading things like this. Maybe he should go on strike. Even if he did, would they even care? After all, he was just a pawn. He was the one they all laughed at. He was that one asshole forced to wear the dinosaur floaty.

_Well no more!_

Petey flapped his arms, trying to shove the tight floaty off. Was this thing meant for little kids? It might as well have been an inflatable corset. He tried once more, only to have it more stuck than it was already. Maybe if he found something sharp...

* * *

"Hey, buddy."

Damon didn't even turn to see who it was, but he already knew.

"Huh huh, you're looking at a girl, aren't ya?"

"No," replied Damon curtly.

Casey grinned. "No, man, I've seen that look before. You're in love, buddy."

This caused the scary football player's hardened gaze to leave what he was staring at.

"Me? You've _got_ to be jokin'."

"No, I can see it," said Casey. "You definitely have the hots for her, man."

"Hots for who?" asked Damon. "Who do you think _I _care about, because I really don't know who the hell you're talkin' about."

"That new chick," explained the blonde fullback casually. "What's her name again? Chloe?"

"Zoe," growled Damon.

Casey burst out in laughter. "See? Dude, you like her, don't you?"

"So what? I remembered her name." Damon's broad shoulders tensed. "No big deal."

"Why don't you just ask her out?"

"Why don't you just get a girlfriend?"

"Ouch." Casey was still smiling, as if he knew it would irritate the already melancholy linebacker. "Well, it's not like you can have her anyway. That's Jimmy's girl."

"I know that!" barked Damon defensively. "And I _was not _staring at her! I got better things to do!"

"What's wrong with you?" Luis tore into their group, followed by Juri.

Damon bit at him. "It's a crappy day, what do you think?"

"Damon here is in love with the new girl!" announced Casey.

"Casey, _shut up_," commanded Damon. "I'm _not_ in love with the new girl."

"C'mon," teased Luis. "You know you like her."

Damon was not amused. "You too?"

Casey planted himself next to Damon and threw a heavy arm around his shoulder. "Oh, Zoe! Your manly-looking fists are so beautiful. Oh baby, you can _penetrate_ my _defense_."

Casey, Luis, and Juri burst out in loud, boisterous laughter. Damon shoved Casey off of him. "Just shut up." The linebacker angrily got up and turned his back to them. He just had to get away from them right now.

"Haha," started Juri. "Is funny because you like the new girl, but you're hiding it like a little girl!"

Damon spun around. "Dude, that didn't even make sense!"

In the distance, the school bell rang. This soon? It hadn't even been thirty minutes yet. Students who were eating lunch in the cafeteria rushed to eat the rest of their food and scurry to class. Confused teachers reluctantly made their ways back into their classrooms. Even Damon and the other guys were picking up pace, making a steady jog towards the gym.

"We should make up a song," suggested Luis as they ran into the gym. "We'll call it 'Damon Likes the New Girl'."

"Dude, I was thinking the exact same thing!" exclaimed Casey.

"You guys are still on that?" barked Damon.

"We're not gonna stop until you admit it," mocked Casey.

"Yeah," agreed Juri. "Stop being a whiney girl and admit it!"

"Hey, hey guys," chuckled Luis. "I already thought of the first line..."

All Damon could do was scowl. Arguing with these guys was pointless. Although he tried to tune it out, he could hear Luis chanting the first line to that horrid tribute.

It's not like they could make him _do_ anything. He already knew.

_He did not like the new girl._

_He never will._

_He never did._

_He does not like Zoe Taylor._

* * *

As soon as Petey arrived back on the field, he collapsed into a sweaty pile and huffed away. The over-inflated tube caused him to roll on the ground a bit, which was stopped by Jimmy's foot.

"You-you guys owe me big time," panted Petey. "Seth has _no_ sense of humor."

"You running away in a dinosaur tube after abusing your Head Boy powers to ring the class bell?" Gary's thick eyebrows arched in amusement. "I can see why."

"Why-why couldn't you make Jimmy do it?" huffed Petey. "He's used to running."

Jimmy shrugged. "I didn't feel like it."

"At least it got everybody off the field," assured Zoe. She looked around for a moment, to make sure there weren't any confused stragglers left behind. Clear. "Let's roll out the tarp."

Jimmy put a hand up next to his mouth. "RUSSELL!"

Accordingly, the giant single-handedly dragged out a blue rolled-up tarp. As soon as he got it lined up with the field, Jimmy cut the cord holding it together. Like some kind of angry animal, the tarp spilled out and engulfed the entire field, all one hundred yards of it. Unfortunately, someone forgot to help Petey up, so the tarp ended up swallowing Petey. His petite form squirmed underneath the slick material.

"Oh, what's that?" asked Gary.

"I can't breathe," was probably what Petey said, although the tarp muffled his cries of protests. Getting bored, Gary snaked his arm under the tarp and hauled Petey out from underneath it.

Once again, Petey was wheezing loudly. "Uh... You guys are such jerks!"

"But we're _your _jerks," said Gary. He opened out his arms, the giant, plastic gun still in one of them. "C'mon. I'll give you a hug if you want."

"I don't want a hug; I want some baby powder!" demanded Petey. He wiggled about, uncomfortable. "This tube is chaffing."

It was in that moment that Gary somehow got close to him, breathing hot air into his face. The way he smiled at him was oddly sinister. "Feel the chaff, Femmeboy. _Embrace it_!"

"I'm itchy."

"Hey guys, I think the tarp finally spread out," interrupted Zoe. "You ready?"

Jimmy slapped the last running hose onto the end of the field. "Let's get started!"

* * *

For the last thirty minutes, Damon had to sit with the cheers of "OH-DAMON-LIKES-THE-NEW-GIRL-AND-HE'S-TOO-MUCH-OF-A-P****-***-****H-TO-ADMIT-IT" ringing in the background. Sure, they were his friends, but they were such pains in the ass sometimes. What did they want from him? A reaction? A punch in the face? Both? He was about ready to give it to them, and at the same time, he couldn't. He didn't know why, but there was something in those crude words that disturbed him. He didn't quite know what yet, but he actually wanted to keep hearing those words. It was like music that was so scary that you couldn't stop listening to it. It was like the kind of music where sirens blare, metal strikes metal, and static fizzes in some strange, foggy town nested deep within the mind. Of course, their singing/shouting was definitely not as elegant, but it _was_ scary.

It was getting on his nerves.

Damon turned. "If you guys like singing so much, why don't you start a boy band? You could call yourselves 'The Virgin Football Players'."

"You like our song that much?" teased Luis.

"You're killing me," stated Damon flatly.

"You can't die now," continued Casey. "You haven't asked Choe out yet."

"Zoe," corrected Damon curtly. "And I'm not gonna be the one dying here if you guys don't shut the hell up."

"Oh, I scared of a wimpy girl too weak to ask out a..._girl_," laughed Juri.

Damon grinded his teeth before flying onto his feet. He turned abruptly and began to whisk his way out of the gym. Outside, it was already raining heavily, drenching him.

Screw them. Screw the prefects. Screw the entire school. All he asked for was an average shitty day, nothing else. He wasn't expecting the sun to come out, class to end any sooner, or the whole field to magically transform into a waterp-

_What?_

He stopped, just above the stairs leading to the football field. The singing trio behind him halted in place.

"Finally tired of running, Damon?" mocked Casey. "Ya gonna admit it no-" His breath caught in his throat.

In the span of half an hour, the entire football field had been covered by a blue tarp and bombarded with running water. On one side of the field, just behind the goal line, was a gigantic, patched-up slide. A confused Petey was rushed to the line of scrimmage. His head turned erratically, panicking, before a voice rang out.

Gary was standing on the scoreboard ledge, holding a megaphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen and femmeboys, I am pleased to announce the opening of Bullworth Academy's very own waterpark. Behold, our main attraction..."

One of the light fixtures shone directly onto Petey, who stood frozen in place, water rushing around his ankles.

"Nessie!"

* * *

_Now _he understood the floaty.

_Gary, you bastard!_

* * *

Damon was mortified. "What...the hell...is _this_?"

"Isle de Bullworth," replied Jimmy calmly. "Twenty bucks."

Damon turned around, only to see a whole plethora of students, even a prefect, standing in their swimsuits as if the sun was shining brightly overhead. Obviously, they were waiting for admission.

"Who the hell wants to go swimming _today_?" barked Damon, over the roar of the raindrops tapping against nearly everything.

"Apparently, these people," said Jimmy casually, as he began to take money. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, aaaaaaaand thank you..."

Out of the corner of his eyes, Damon could spot Casey, Luis, and Juri tugging off their shirts.

"You can't be serious. You guys, too?"

"C'mon man," urged Casey. "_Zoe _will be there."

"Oh, shut up already," was what Damon said, although the linebacker was currently tugging his letterman jacket off.

At the entrance, brightly colored pistols were being handed out. Water guns. That probably wasn't a very good idea, because the field was in total chaos by the time he reached it. Students were sliding around the field on their stomachs, some crashing (deliberately) into others. Squirt gun fights were rampant. Near the line of scrimmage, Bif Taylor and Johnny Vincent were having a Mexican standoff. A pair of shorts were floating in the stream, and from the sheer size of them, one could guess it was probably Fatty's. Pinky and Mandy were casually chatting at one corner, until the water turned suspiciously warm. One look up the stream was enough to set them off, but anyone would start screaming too if they found out that Algie had taken a tinkle in their water.

Amidst all of the commotion, Damon found himself standing, soaked, in only a pair of pants. He was standing at the sidelines, although his eyes were fixed towards the other side of the field.

There she was.

* * *

"Kill Nessie!" yelled the mob. "Kill Nessie!"

Everywhere he looked, streams of water were being shot at him. He could feel it all over his skin, like a couple of angry bugs.

"I feel so violated!" whined Petey.

Gary laughed loudly, maniacally, as he readied the water cannon. Petey was going to love this.

The captive Head Boy threw some pitiful eyes towards Jimmy.

He shrugged. "Sorry, Pete." He was also running the pump on the humongous gun he had in his hands.

Petey looked around only to see that the entire field had their water guns pointed at him. Even _Pedro_.

_No. This is too much!_

He could stand _everything_ else they threw at him. He could stand getting blamed for stuff he didn't do, running around in ridiculous costumes, and even getting arrested by Italian secret agents on the local news, but not this! Not this!

_No more!_

Everyone's fingers quivered as they pushed down on the triggers, as if time itself had glitched. At the last moment, Petey found himself stumbling to the ground.

Like a fountain show, jets of water sprung out simultaneously from every plastic gun on the field. Unfortunately, they had missed their target, squirting the person across from them in the face. Petey was still on the ground, covering himself from stray droplets with his arms. He had the most triumphant smile on his face.

"…"

_It worked. It worked!_

At the last moment, he saved himself from being the laughing stock of Bullworth. Before anyone could comprehend what even happened, Petey jumped onto his feet and scrambled his way past the herd of people on the field and over to the benches. At the end lay some old scissors, the same ones Jimmy had used to cut the tarp free. After stretching his arm over the side of the floaty, his fingers managed to snag it up.

"Whoa there, Femmeboy!" Gary had his hands up in a defensive gesture, although a nervous smile still characterized his face. "Calm down."

With those words, Petey plunged the blades into the floaty. It wheezed in pain as air starting to pour from its wound. Gary fell to his knees, holding his stomach. Again, Petey stabbed the purple monster that was constricting him. It began to deflate faster and faster. He found himself in a stabbing frenzy, focusing all that teenage frustration onto that horrid floaty that Gary had forced onto him. After the poor creature was completely flat, Petey bundled what was left up in his fists and threw it off. Its mangled remains landed in front of Gary. The whole field was silent, eyes wide.

"I AM PETEY!" screamed the short boy. "HEAR ME ROAR!"

In the distance, Trent turned towards Kirby.

"What did he say?"

* * *

The torrent of water that Jimmy was saving for Petey missed and struck a certain punky girl in the head. In return, he got rain water splashed against his face. After a few seconds, the two simply laughed about it.

It was just water, after all. It wasn't going to hurt anyone.

* * *

He felt himself almost falling over. He could feel his own two legs, once strong enough to withhold _anything_, give out underneath him. Instead, his hand caught a railing, which managed to keep him upright. His arm trembled.

She had gotten hit. No, not with a simple beam of water. It was far more grand than that. It was if she had pulled on a string, sending a bucket of water crashing down on her head. Water ran steadily down her scarred skin. Her bright orange bikini top, once modest, was now stuck snugly around her prominent chest. She threw her head back as she laughed heartily, her bright red locks sending drops of water falling towards her feet. The rain clouds were finally clearing, sending small patches of light glowing against her now glimmering skin.

In that moment, he could see it.

He _liked _her. He _really _liked her. He didn't know if it was lust, love, or something in between, but he liked her! He didn't know when or where, why or how, but there was never a moment when he wanted something so badly. Screw the others! He wanted that. He wanted to run out onto field right now and throw his big, strong arms around her, keep her.

He liked Zoe Taylor. A lot.

But she was in the arms of Jimmy Hopkins. She was _kissing_ Jimmy Hopkins.

He knew it would happen.

Casey tapped him on the shoulder. "Dude, are you okay?"

Damon blinked with a bewildered look on his face. He swallowed. "Uh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Listen, I gotta go work on somethin'. See you later."

Before his friend could say anything, Damon found himself rushing, almost running, off of the field. The sun began to shine past the clouds, and yet, there was never a time he was more devastated. Not even the big game made him feel as low as he did now. He knew why. He always did.

He just couldn't admit it.

* * *

**LOLBONUSSEGMENT:**

It had been a day since the whole water park incident. The football field was like a wet sponge now, which the Jocks weren't very pleased about. The sun was finally shining past the gray clouds, sending rays of heavenly light towards the earth. Of course, _someone _was in very big trouble for the whole fiasco (plus making Fatty run all the way to the boys' dorms, completely butt naked), but that could wait later. For now, four people gathered to commemorate the loss of a beloved pet.

"Gary, are you sure those new pills are working right?"

Gary had his face buried into the flattened dino floaty, which was now cradled in his arms. He looked up at Petey, eyes red and swollen. "Shut up, Petey! Go back to your corner!"

"Something's wrong with those pills," commented Jimmy. "I've _never _seen him cry before."

Gary sniffed. "Sh-shut up! Can't you see I'm mourning the loss of a beloved friend?"

"I didn't know you could mourn," said Zoe. "Well, I guess that's a start."

"H-he was a very important part of my life!" cried Gary, shaking.

"You stole him from the carnival two days ago," continued Jimmy.

"You're a monster, Petey!" roared Gary. "A monster! What did Floaty ever do to you?"

Petey arched a brow. "Floaty?"

"I named him just now," sobbed Gary. "And you're not allowed to say his name!"

Jimmy held up an orange prescription bottle. "Gary, this isn't your pills! This is estrogen!"

"Shut up!" Gary shook the remains of Floaty. "I can take what I want!"

Jimmy leaned over to Zoe, which was quite difficult seeing that she towered over him. "Tomorrow, we take him off the pills."

"Agreed," said Zoe. "Estrogen!Gary is starting to scare me."

Petey scratched his side. "I think Floaty gave me a rash."

Afterwards, they had chocolate.

* * *

**Dedicated to Floaty Smith**

**Beloved friend and flotation device**

**May he float in Hell.**

* * *

**A/N: **I apologize for the gruesome amount of crack in this chapter. Keep in mind that I was working on this _very_ late at night, so I was probably delirious.

This little chapter is based off something cracktastic that happened in Bully. I saw Zoe kissing Kirby on the football field. I made Jimmy kiss Zoe, thinking it would piss Kirby off and cause them to fight. Instead, Damon runs up to Jimmy looking all pissed off.

Thus, this abomination of the English language was born. I THINK I HAD A BRAIN ANEURYSM.

This fic is a kind of experiment for me. It's just a place where all my crack Bully ideas can spawn and grow.

I hope you enjoyed the hemorrhaging I gave you, because I'm enjoying mine. OH GOD IT HURTS.

Expect MOAR in the future.


End file.
